How to dump your husband and get a new one

By Sampa Kangwa-Wilkie

cropThis is not for you, if you want a divorce, but I can give you contacts of a very good lawyer.

This is for you, if you want back the husband who once loved you.
You live in the same house but you share separate lives, you are at best house mates.
You have cried, fought, held meetings, threatened to leave, he has promised to change, but the changes are short-lived.

You still love him, and chances, he does too, but you are not feeling him. You reminisce on the loving days that lie in the past, you are hoping as everybody says, that this will pass, yet something tells you this may not easily pass. You have considered leaving, you might even have left, briefly, but you came back. You are still hopeful, yet the signs are too familiar.

Your deep wish is not to leave the marriage, but you are lightly considering it, your heart’s desire is to get your man back, but only under your own terms of love, affection, good safe sex, respect, care and more affection. This is not too much to ask, considering that are not asking for a big SUV or a holiday home in Mauritius, even if you should.

If above description is you, rejoice, dry your tears and offer a little prayer of thanks giving. This wisdom has been tested and it works. It came from men and most importantly, women who once stood in the place you stand today.

Ignore him

One of the most difficult things for any man, is to be ignored. Men can’t deal with being ignored by a woman, particularly a wife. By ignoring him, I mean just that, in fact make him invisible. Stop noticing his behavior, that includes, what time he arrives home or how frequent he leaves, the calls he receives and the love he is not giving you. If he asks a question, answer him cordially, don’t engage in unnecessary fights, explanations and details. No arrogance or angry faces, you have done this before to no effect.

Be happy

Nothing unsettles a man as a happy woman, especially whose happiness he has nothing to do with. Stop sulking and looking for sympathy, it has not worked in the past. I know it’s hard to be happy considering what you are going through, but remember this is unconventional wisdom, the onus is on you to find your happiness. As a matter of fact your happiness can not be dependent on your husband otherwise you might never be happy.

Hit the gym

When unhappy, we either put on weight or lose it. Many of us women tend to put on weight when we are unhappy, we find comfort in food to fill the gap and emptiness, we indulge in feel-good-foods like chocolates, burgers, chips, and etc. These foods temporarily lift our spirits so we eat even more, soon we pile up weight and eat away our self confidence.
He might not be telling you, but he is complaining to friends that you have become fat and probably using it as an excuse for his changed behavior. I have met guys at the gym who say they wish their wives would exercise and lose weight. I shouldn’t be the one telling you this, but there is nothing flattering about a couch-potato, eating, watching tv, piling up weight and whining.

The gym is one of the quickest way to turn your life around. There is something about running, walking and exercising that boosts your confidence even before you lose a single kilo. I know nothing that frightens a man as a woman who is putting her life together and nothing delivers better than the gym. Be consistent, 4-5 days a week at a minimum. Two days a week won’t do.

Go back to school

Enroll for something, anything! A language course, a new skill. Some women might just have to go back to college. There is no dignity in depending on another person for your needs. I personally think that financial dependence is a form of spousal abuse. One person shouldn’t have to carry the burden of supporting a capable spouse and entire family. It’s not correct. I know several women who have been ruined by a loveless, life threatening marriage, but still hang in there because they have nowhere to go. Listen, go back to school no matter how long it will take. If you should take only one advise let it be this one.

Like the gym, any woman who is learning a new skill shakes the power structure of a marriage. Going to school means interacting with other people and expanding your horizons and possibilities in terms of knowledge, new thinking and opportunities.

Read a book, watch little TV, cut down facebook

No one can stand in the way of a knowledgeable woman. A book is not only a source of pleasure, it is a source of knowledge. Books allow space to escape, fantasize and change your thinking. Watching tv, soaps, is one sure way to waste your life and send your husband away. I personally can’t stand people who watch tv all the time, I find them shallow. Say very little on Facebook, in fact temporarily leave Facebook.

Dump clutter, empty your wardrobe

A filthy house is a major turn off. Throw away clutter, especially in your bedroom. Buy a home magazine and get décor ideas for your bedroom. Those floral, shiny bed covers just have to go to give way to cotton linen. Make your house difficult to leave, soon he will find it difficult to leave too.

Indulge yourself

Every woman deserves a massage! if you cant get a free one pay for one. Treat yourself with what you love: a hair do, manicure, foot massage, a good wine. One knockout scent is not optional, you need it. Go out, smell good, look good, feel good, explore, go to a museum, go to a gallery, buy a painting. I will not advise you to find another man, if you reach this stage, you need my contacts of a good lawyer.

Sexual self

By this point probably you are not having sex and if you are, its dub, obligatory and nothing to write home about. I will not tell you what to do and not to do. I trust your judgment.
But follow all above and i am certain you will have your man back, he will come back, he must, he will. When he does, we can explore ideas to celebrate your powerful sexual self.

In the unlikely event that you don’t get back your husband after transforming yourself into a happy, knowledgeable, hot, healthy chic, then you deserve better and belong in the first group that need contacts of a good lawyer.

About Sampa Kangwa

Sampa Kangwa-Wilkie is a communications and media law specialist. She has a BA in Sociology, an MA in Mass Communication and postgraduate qualifications in international development and cooperation. In her previous life, she worked with street kids and had a short stint in film-making winning her an award at the Hamberg Film Festival in 2002. Sampa is a mother, an artist, a newspaper columnist and runs a monthly live poetry evening -- Lyrical Soul. She works for an International organisation.
Category : Columnists.
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4 responses to “How to dump your husband and get a new one”

  1. chishala John. says:

    Always pay attention to what your husband wants. Ditching him is not a solution especially if you have children together. Respect him, praise him and plan everything together, be part of what he does or contribute positively to what he likes and slowly slowly bring him closer to yourself by discussing your interests, desires fears etc

  2. SAMBA says:

    Hi Ba Sampa ,
    Agreed, especially here “…… financial dependence is a form of spousal abuse.”
    P.S. Nice photo. 🙂

  3. Nubian Princess says:

    Marriage is a hindrance and detriment to women’s advancement and independent thinking.

  4. Nubian Princess says:

    Marriage is a hindrance and detriment to the advancement and independent thinking of women.

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