The “Brokeback” Coalition: Summer of discontent

Columnists, Morgan Nkumbula 0

By Morgan Nkumbula – A Political Junkies’ Perspective

Don’t we all love listening to occasional “pub jibes and a bit of banter, especially when some disgruntled right-wing politician cynically puts his boot in ironically in a pub aptly named the Boot & Flogger!

David Cameroon & Nick Clegg

And even better when the jibes are solely aimed at some of our “out of touch” snooty political leaders right at the heart of a government – now fast becoming the butt of endless pub jokes across the country.

Now that the UK parliament is on summer recess, the political jury is all out in full force, taking a critical assessment and delivering its own verdict thus far on the current performance of the “newly wed” Con-Lib Dem coalition government, And what better place to express ones’ own “armchair” views, opinion, frustration or simmering anger, than at your favourite “watering hole” .

The English never cease to amaze with their well known deadpan eccentricity and dark humour. They have some of the most amusing, funny, hilarious and bizarre pub names you could possibly imagine. Names such as The Roaring Donkey, Drunken Duck, Pig and Whistle, Dirty Nelly’s, Dirty Dicks, Hole in the Wall, Filthy Mc Nasty’s and the Three-Legged Mare (Also known locally as The Wonky Donkey), just to mention a few in case you fancy taking a “pub walk” with your mates and listen to some political innuendo, while gazing apprehensively at your dwindling pint of Stella.

Down in Southwark in the heart of south London, the Boot & Flogger near the Thames in London was suddenly thrust in the media spotlight as the focus of a much talked about Tory right-wing insurrection and widespread Lib-Dem discontent amongst their MP’s, with some branding the Tories as “toxic” and politically “ugly” for any marriage of political expediency. The Boot & Flogger has now ensured its place in modern history of Britain, as the venue of a memorable political slur

David Davis

David Davis

Enter David Davis or DD as he is popularly called by his fellow right-wing conservative colleagues and in the Boot & Flogger, his favourite haunt. A hard-line straight-talking Tory right-winger and former shadow home secretary, he fought against David Cameron or DD to his Tory chums, for the conservative leadership crown which he lost. Now confined to the backbench and blanked out by the coalition government, he cuts a forlorn figure with little else to do nowadays but shooting from the hip – ranting out loudly against the coalition to anyone who cares to listen.

As DD and his chums staggered through the packed Boot & Flogger to deafening dance beat of Lady Gaga, they headed straight for the bar to a waiting exuberant, heavily built and bold thick-set “man mountain” bar man they called Jimmy “two bellies” or Jimbo to the pub regulars. This is because his monstrosity frame looked like he had just gulped a whole pig for lunch! Jimbo was such an overzealous die-hard Tory right-wing devotee with sharp political instincts and an ear to the ground – constantly eavesdropping on the Liberals, who he viewed with such intense disdain. With his ear firmly glued to the ground – Jimbo would easily give any seasoned Fleet Street hack a good run for his money for breaking news. And for all his conservative right-wing exuberance, DD simply adored him and tipped him so generously

The Boot & Flogger

The Boot & Flogger

As the group exchanged pleasantries and knocked back scores of rounds, the conversation became increasingly rowdy and heated as politics now took centre stage. For DD, the pub camaraderie simply overwhelmed his political instincts. He let rip in a no holds barred rant at the Con-Lib Dem coalition as the drinkers loudly cheered and nodded approvingly, while a group of jubilant hacks from the Financial Times gleefully listened at a nearby table.

Jimbo: DD, please tell us….what’s your take on  this coalition government so far, as it approaches 100 days in power?

DD: Cor blimmey! Jimbo, you’re having a laugh mate! This coalition is an absolute joke! Thank God am on the backbench, away from that appalling circus act. I can’t possibly imagine myself prancing up and down the corridors of Westminster like some bloody smitten ballerina just behind those two clowns! Lord Ashcroft, our former deputy was absolutely spot-on when he compared this government to that awful film about some “sissy cowboy” canoodling in front of two poor horses!

Yes! That’s right, its like some bloody “Brokeback” coalition! (A reference to the controversial Oscar-winning film about two gay cowboys). Good God! How pathetic, those bloody morally corrupt Liberals in Hollywood, with such breathtaking impunity, blaspheme and reduce a revered “macho” Wild West tradition to such ridicule!

God bless him! I just wonder what the great man John Wayne made of that? He must have surely turned 360 bloody degrees in his grave!

Boot & Flogger drinkers: (Erupt in fits of laughter and to a deafening applause) Hear, hear, hear! There is only one DD! Hey Jimbo mate, another round please for DD. And the usual for the lads. Nice one Jimbo. Cheers!

DD: The same please Jimbo mate, a stiff JD (Jack Daniel’s) and no ice please. Nice one Jimbo, cheers lads. Now, where was I? Did you fellas see that downing street coronation in rose garden! Good God, just the though of it all, still makes me bloody squirm as hell. Now listen to this lads, we have DC trying to sound like some messianic Tony bloody Blair with this grandiose vision of cobblers about “Big Society!” Cor blimmey! I nearly choked on my JD when I heard that gobbledygook rhetoric.

Now, let me tell you something for nothing lads. The corollary of “Big Society” is the smaller state. If you talk about small state, people think you are Attila the Han (A reference to a fearsome king and general of the Hunnic Empire called the scourge of God by Romans. He ruled the Western and Eastern Roman Empires from 433 to 453 A.D). If you talk about “Big Society” people will think you are Mother Theresa.

In other words, what this means is more severe government cuts. Good God and the hapless Liberals have actually swallowed that balderdash, “hook, line and sinker”! Impressive stuff, DC sure played a blinder here. What a cheeky little bugger, hes’ having a laugh mates!

Jimbo: It really drives me absolutely mental, just why this pathetic coalition left out an astute and obviously talented politician like you DD and while they filled up the posts with some headless bunch of Liberals, is beyond me. If they came calling, would you join the coalition DD?

DD: Hell no Jimbo, you’re having a laugh mate! Good God, can you possibly imagine me clad in some bloody tight jeans and stiletto boots prancing up and down Westminster, cracking a few bloody whips at the Liberals….shouting “Yeeehaa!”

Boot & Flogger drinkers :( Now in hysterics and breaking into a rapturous applause and song) Hear, hear, hear…there is only one DD. Please stand up if you love DD! There is only one true blue and DD is the colour! Hey Jimbo, another round please for DD and same for all the lads.

DD: And besides lads, there aren’t that many jobs in the government, unless you are female. The bloody Liberals brought along a few women into the office. Haven’t you fellas also noticed the lack of minority MP’s in this government? Well, they had one of course, David Laws (The gay former Treasury Chief), but he resigned within weeks because he couldn’t work out his own bloody personal expenses….Cor blimmey!

Jimbo: (Sounding the pub bell) Ladies and Gentlemen, its last orders please. Last orders!

The “Boot & Flogger gate emerged at the end of the most difficult past few weeks for the “newly wed” coalition with David Cameron obviously stung by the “sissy cowboy” slur and ridicule, decided to reinvent himself on the world stage by adopting a new “macho” kick ass diplomacy strategy. And his gaffes came thick, fast and furious.

It began with DC facing a barrage of criticism on his visit to the White House, by sticking up for BP over the oil spillage in the Gulf, much to the dismay of the Americans.

This followed right in the heels of earlier criticism by some Jewish groups and MP’s after he remarked that funding to send schoolchildren to Auschwitz was a “gimmick” with the government officials describing his remarks as “sick and ignorant” while the Holocaust Educational Trust, described them as “a low form of politics”

Next stop, was hapless Pakistani in the firing line of his new found exciting “kick ass” diplomacy, while on a visit to India, DC held an “Obama-like” town hall style question and answer session, pacing up and down statesman-like in front of a mainly anti-Pakistan studio audience. He firmly put the boot in by accusing some elements of the Pakistani intelligence for exporting terror by maintaining links with the Taliban insurgents. This sparked a major diplomatic row, with widespread demonstrations across the country with hostile crowds in the streets burning an effigy of DC and the UK flags.

And back at home, Nick Clegg not to be out done and in a desperate attempt to appear like an astute leader, caused turmoil in the commons. He appeared to send out mixed messages for the coalition by speaking out on the “illegal” Iraq war when he stood for DC.

With the rumbling rookie David Cameron filling up his diplomatic “gaffe pot” on the world stage faster than George W. Bush, he is now in danger of making “Dubyas” legendary gaffes seem so tame by comparison!

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